Friday is D-Day!

Ok so the plan was to start Friday, and I thought yesterday was Thursday when I was posting so things were a little thrown off. I am definitely starting tomorrow, and I'm going to bed soon so I can get some rest and wake up feeling ready to take on the world!

I watched one of the DVDs to get an idea of what's to come...it's nothing I haven't seen or done before, but the fact that the whole program is structured and put together into a package I can follow makes me hopeful that this is something that can fit into my lifestyle. I also went to the store today and bought spinach, green peppers, sugar snap peas, tomatoes, romaine lettuce, cottage cheese, low-fat cheese, greek nonfat yogurt, blueberries, plain oatmeal, veggie burgers, lean turkey burgers, whole wheat pitas and whole wheat wraps. I already have everything else I'm going to need in the house.

I don't need to really plan any meals out for tomorrow since I'm going to be home most of the day, but I will be bringing one meal to work with me around 5 or 6. I'm thinking salad since I won't need to heat it up and I can just put it in a plastic container.

Today was my last official "eat like shit" day. Here is what I (regrettably) consumed:

Breakfast:

-Egg bagel with veggie cream cheese

-Large coffee with hazelnut creamer

-Bottle of sweetened iced tea

Lunch:

-Stuffed shells

-Small loaf of italian bread

-Side salad with oil & vinegar

Dinner:

-Bowl of meatball soup

-Diet soda

It doesn't sound like a whole lot of food but when you really break down the nutritional contents (or lack thereof) of each meal, some of it is empty calories but most of it is just...excess.

This post is essentially my last before I buckle down, so the rest of it is going to be heartfelt. I was not a fat child. Not even a chubby child. When I approached adolescence I started to gain more weight than other girls my age, but it creeped up steadily. I remember noticing little things, like how I was growing out of clothing from The Limited Too store, when all of my friends were still able to shop there. I remember just looking bigger than my peers in pictures. Not necessarily because of height but because I just had a bigger body. I was always energetic when I was young, running on the playground racing kids during recess. The little nuances and bodily "imperfections" weren't paid attention to probably until middle school, when looks and friendship and popularity were suddenly everything that mattered. I moved here from NY, where I had a lot of friends and cliques hadn't been an issue at the time. I moved to NJ and instantly I was teased for a lot of silly reasons. I had glasses and braces, my mom picked out the clothes I wore, I spoke my mind (which I was raised to do), I didn't wear makeup and I didn't worry about perfection the way anyone else did, but I didn't care what other people thought. At the time. Then I learned how miserable you can feel when you not only don't have friends, but when the people you have to face every day can't stand the sight of you and avoid socializing with you at all costs. I had come here with the hope of making new friends and having a normal teenage life. Instead I became withdrawn, depressed, and so afraid to go to school every day. Every day felt like the longest day of my life, and as a result a huge part of me got lost. The part had been strong, the part that didn't care what others thought. That girl disappeared and I had become concerned with what others thought of me, and I stopped sticking up for myself and for what I believed in. I stopped being true to who I had originally been so long ago, and in my head I kept striving to be someone else. Now by the time I started college I had been so apathetic about having a social life that it just...happened...without me needing it to. It's actually hard to remember how bad it was because things have just been so good it has all made up for it. But a big piece of ME was still MIA. It was a long time before a rough patch finally woke me up. I'm finally working to pull that old girl out of the quicksand she's been sinking down into, and it's working bit by bit. And while I'm still working on putting my identity back together, getting myself back to being healthy and loving myself is the journey I'm about to undertake. For so long I've been wishing I was thinner, thinking that it was some unattainable dream and that I'd never get to be that person. What I failed to realize was that, thin or not, I'm still the same person, and I had been depending on my weight to define me and to define how much I loved myself. But it doesn't matter any more. It finally doesn't matter. I'm me whether I'm big or small, and now nobody except ME can stop me from achieving anything I put my mind to.

My best friend messaged me last night after listening to the new Pink song "Fucking Perfect". She said she was crying and thinking about me and how proud she is of me for starting this blog and finally taking charge of my life, and how much she appreciates me. I was busy at the time so I really didn't express how much I loved hearing this from her. She has been with me through thick and thin, sadness and happiness and through some altogether crazy situations. She has also watched me attempt to workout and diet at least once a year for 8 years, but she STILL gets excited for me and encourages me each time I start again. That's true friendship. All my friends have been so supportive of all my endeavors and this one just the same. I'm doing this for myself, but I know I have the understanding of all my good friends to help me see this through all the way. This is for me and hopefully for anybody who wants to finally take a hold of their own life. You're the only person in control, nobody else.

I leave you with the lyrics to Fucking Perfect...it's actually completely appropriate right now...

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're f*ckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?