4 weeks. I'm feeling the pressure. Today was a tough day. Not because of temptation, but because of me beating myself up. I think I mentioned that last night I was going to a bar and planned not to drink...not drinking when I'm around my friends is impossible. I'm not an alcoholic by any means, and I only go out to drink a few times a month. But it's extremely hard to sit there and not have a drink in my hand as a social crutch. Even holding a club soda would not have felt the same. Bottom line: I had 3 bud lights. 110 cal/each. I'm not so concerned about the calorie content as I am about the fact that alcohol seems to impede weight loss and contribute to weight gain fairly quickly. Now I can analyze this and say that, just as never eating out again seems unrealistic, so is the notion of never socially ever having a drink again. I am extremely disappointed that I not only had 1 beer, but 3. I feel like I've been doing this for 3 weeks already and have only lost 3.5 lbs, and those 3 beers could have easily put me back half a pound or even a full pound. I wouldn't mind if the alcohol impeded my weight loss as much as if it UNDID my progress. To work so hard and have such strong willpower for 3 whole weeks only to have some of it taken away in 1 night is a severely depressing thought. I wish I could praise myself for how well I've been doing instead of letting my one mistake emotionally take a toll. It's "downtimes" like these that I start to lose my cool. I don't want that to happen. Not this time. I've prided myself on approaching everything differently this time around. The thought that always ruined me in the past was the underlying feeling that I had a time frame in which to lose weight. Either it had to be by the summer...or by my vacation...or by christmas, etc. This time I'm trying to get used to the fact that weight loss (real, healthy weight loss) is a slow process and it's a lifestyle change instead of a time frame. The weight is going to come off....eventually. My dietary habits will change...eventually. I need to get my head around the fact that this is going to take a while to achieve. In fact, when I started this blog my original goal was to see how much weight I could lose in a 90-day span. However the more I thought about it the more I realized that setting an unrealistic goal and giving myself a deadline would do more harm than good in the long run, and to really see results and make a change both physically and emotionally, I would need to envision a healthy future and a healthy lifestyle for myself and my future family. Being "skinny" is going to be a bonus, but the real goal here is to be healthy. I need to stop focusing on numbers and pounds and start focusing on how I am feeling and how I can adjust to this lifestyle long-term. It's hard to not put pressure on myself, and to not set up unrealistic expectations of myself. To think that I'd never slip up would be a mistake on my part, as I'm only human...seeing that I've been doing this 21 days and slipped up 2 or 3 times is actually a really good track record, and I need to praise myself for achieving such a goal instead of picking apart each little setback. The emotional issues are obstacles that I'm going to hit every so often and I have to get used to the fact that the hurdles are inevitable and I am not superwoman.
I went out to eat today, which I promised myself I wouldn't do often. I did eat extremely healthy, even in the face of temptation, but it's very hard for me to pat myself on the back for making a healthy eating choice instead of berating myself for eating out in the first place. It's crazy how you can have 3 weeks of smooth sailing and then be taken aback so easily by something that isn't even worth getting upset about. I'm not invincible, I'm only human, and I need to take this whole journey one day at a time. Since you're all probably curious at this point, here is what I ate today:
Breakfast:
-Kashi cranberry walnut bar
*This was DELICIOUS! The cranberry is really tangy. However I noticed that it doesn't keep me as full as the dark chocolate cherry bars from Kashi that I was eating last week. I will be switching back once I run out.
Lunch:
-The Traveling Wrap: whole wheat wrap, 1 tbsp tomato basil hummus, spinach, mushrooms, 1 slice lowfat swiss and 3oz grilled chicken
*This is called the traveling wrap because I made it like 4 days ago planning to eat it each day and it just keeps traveling with me in my purse until today when I finally ate it (it was still good!). This was actually tasty, I think all the flavors had really come together because they were marinating for days haha.
Snack:
-1 tall vienna roast Starbucks coffee with 1/4c fat free milk and 1 sweet & low.
*This is where I started feeling bad for myself. First off, I have been trying to stay away from coffee but when I'm in a coffee mood it's one temptation I just can't turn down. Second, caffeine affects my moods, which I know but somehow forget about, so I think my self-loathing tonight comes partially from that. Third, the coffee just sat in my stomach like a rock. It's still sitting there now and I've basically felt sick since I drank it at 2pm. It's 7:30 now. Also, because it made me feel sick, I feel "fat". I feel the way I feel when I've eaten too much. This has given me the illusion that I've "messed up" today, even though I haven't. It's bizarre that just feeling fat makes you think you've actually gained weight. I should look on the bright side, at the fact that instead of getting a latte (even a skinny latte has 150 cal and up!) I got plain simple coffee with lowfat milk. The only calories are the milk!
Dinner:
-Sushi: 1 Chrismas roll (tuna, avocado, tobiko & white rice)/ 1 vegetable roll (carrots, cucumber & avocado and brown rice) with soy sauce
-Small bowl miso soup
*This was actually really healthy, now that I'm analyzing it. The vegetable roll is about 120 calories, and the christmas roll is 184...that's about 304 cal for dinner. Actually not bad at all. Good choice on my part. My friend got chicken teryaki with vegetables, which looked good and sounded smart at first since the veggies and chicken were grilled, but teryaki sauce has so much sugar in it! I definitely chose the better option.
That's all I ate for today. I know I did a REALLY good job, but I just feel really fat right now. It's also probably due to the fact that I only had 1 bottle of water today. I'm about to go to a friend's house to watch a movie so I think I'm gonna bring a bottle with me and just keep keep keep refilling! He actually wanted to go out for drinks tonight, and I didn't want to end up drinking again so I asked if we could just watch a movie instead and he said ok! Now I'm happy and I don't feel pressure to mess up again. Also, we are having people over tomorrow and my dad is making fried riceballs and meatballs and pasta. He said I could have some as long as I limit myself, but I think if I have any at all I'm just going to fall farther into a downward spiral, so I already cooked for tomorrow. That way I'll just make sure I eat whatever I've made for myself. Also, the people we're having over are really supportive of my goals so I know they won't let me cave! Additionally, I'm going to the gym tomorrow to relieve some of this stress. I know I will feel better by the end of the day tomorrow, I just need to train myself to take these things in stride and to prevent the self-depreciation before it happens.
I went out to eat today, which I promised myself I wouldn't do often. I did eat extremely healthy, even in the face of temptation, but it's very hard for me to pat myself on the back for making a healthy eating choice instead of berating myself for eating out in the first place. It's crazy how you can have 3 weeks of smooth sailing and then be taken aback so easily by something that isn't even worth getting upset about. I'm not invincible, I'm only human, and I need to take this whole journey one day at a time. Since you're all probably curious at this point, here is what I ate today:
Breakfast:
-Kashi cranberry walnut bar
*This was DELICIOUS! The cranberry is really tangy. However I noticed that it doesn't keep me as full as the dark chocolate cherry bars from Kashi that I was eating last week. I will be switching back once I run out.
Lunch:
-The Traveling Wrap: whole wheat wrap, 1 tbsp tomato basil hummus, spinach, mushrooms, 1 slice lowfat swiss and 3oz grilled chicken
*This is called the traveling wrap because I made it like 4 days ago planning to eat it each day and it just keeps traveling with me in my purse until today when I finally ate it (it was still good!). This was actually tasty, I think all the flavors had really come together because they were marinating for days haha.
Snack:
-1 tall vienna roast Starbucks coffee with 1/4c fat free milk and 1 sweet & low.
*This is where I started feeling bad for myself. First off, I have been trying to stay away from coffee but when I'm in a coffee mood it's one temptation I just can't turn down. Second, caffeine affects my moods, which I know but somehow forget about, so I think my self-loathing tonight comes partially from that. Third, the coffee just sat in my stomach like a rock. It's still sitting there now and I've basically felt sick since I drank it at 2pm. It's 7:30 now. Also, because it made me feel sick, I feel "fat". I feel the way I feel when I've eaten too much. This has given me the illusion that I've "messed up" today, even though I haven't. It's bizarre that just feeling fat makes you think you've actually gained weight. I should look on the bright side, at the fact that instead of getting a latte (even a skinny latte has 150 cal and up!) I got plain simple coffee with lowfat milk. The only calories are the milk!
Dinner:
-Sushi: 1 Chrismas roll (tuna, avocado, tobiko & white rice)/ 1 vegetable roll (carrots, cucumber & avocado and brown rice) with soy sauce
-Small bowl miso soup
*This was actually really healthy, now that I'm analyzing it. The vegetable roll is about 120 calories, and the christmas roll is 184...that's about 304 cal for dinner. Actually not bad at all. Good choice on my part. My friend got chicken teryaki with vegetables, which looked good and sounded smart at first since the veggies and chicken were grilled, but teryaki sauce has so much sugar in it! I definitely chose the better option.
That's all I ate for today. I know I did a REALLY good job, but I just feel really fat right now. It's also probably due to the fact that I only had 1 bottle of water today. I'm about to go to a friend's house to watch a movie so I think I'm gonna bring a bottle with me and just keep keep keep refilling! He actually wanted to go out for drinks tonight, and I didn't want to end up drinking again so I asked if we could just watch a movie instead and he said ok! Now I'm happy and I don't feel pressure to mess up again. Also, we are having people over tomorrow and my dad is making fried riceballs and meatballs and pasta. He said I could have some as long as I limit myself, but I think if I have any at all I'm just going to fall farther into a downward spiral, so I already cooked for tomorrow. That way I'll just make sure I eat whatever I've made for myself. Also, the people we're having over are really supportive of my goals so I know they won't let me cave! Additionally, I'm going to the gym tomorrow to relieve some of this stress. I know I will feel better by the end of the day tomorrow, I just need to train myself to take these things in stride and to prevent the self-depreciation before it happens.
No comments:
Post a Comment