Day 24

I'm impressed by the fact that I was able to rebound from yesterday's emotional downward spiral. I'm often tougher than necessary on myself, and an obstacle that I often have trouble overcoming is reprimanding myself for "bad" behavior and not being able to move on. I've been generally better about this but am still going through the process and the ups and downs. I've also been trying to be more honest with myself throughout this whole endeavor...taking accountability for my actions and admitting to weaknesses and negative feelings. However today I was speaking to a friend who also happens to be a life coach, and who was kind enough to take the time to help talk me through some of my emotional muck. He noticed that I'm often not honest with myself about how I feel even though I try to convince myself that I am. For example, the dreaded SCALE. I tell myself that the numbers don't matter and that they aren't important. I try to convince myself that I truly believe that. But in actuality I don't believe that. Because while they may not be important to some people, they are important TO ME. As much as I hate to admit it, feeling better and looking better are not the factors by which I measure my progress. The numbers on the scale are what I look to to tell me that I'm doing a good job. I feel like I'm working really hard at eating healthier. It's emotionally draining at times, and the frustration is unrelenting, and to feel like I'm working my ass off only to see a couple digits go down on that scale makes me feel like a failure. Even though any professional would say that 3.5 lbs in 3 weeks is a healthy rate, I'm used to crash dieting where you lose a lot of weight quickly...during those times the scale was going down half a pound a day. By week 3, I would have lost at least 10 lbs....but then again the second I started eating junk again I'd gain it back just as fast. I would like to believe that I could commend myself and have faith in myself solely by noticing every little improvement in my body over the last few weeks. But I was lying, thinking that those things were all that mattered. In truth I do go by the scale to measure my progress. And admitting to that will help me deal with future weigh-in frustrations as well. My friend and I discussed many different points, and I feel blessed to have somebody who not only is willing to help me talk about these issues (granted there are others who are willing to talk also), but who also understands the wide range of emotions I'm experiencing and the frequency at which they can change. My family has been more than supportive, but I believe that I have a food addiction, and none of them have suffered any addictions, even minor ones, so they really only understand things at a factual level...they'll say to me "well if you see the cupcake, and you know that you can't eat it and then just DON'T eat it"...their heart is definitely in their advice but they don't understand that it's so much deeper than not eating the cupcake. My temptation is not black and white, but riddled with conflicting emotions. The friend I talked to can relate to where I am coming from and it was really comforting to talk to someone who wasn't chastising me for my weaknesses and self-doubts but rather encouraging me to embrace them and use them to my advantage. I also mentioned that I have associated social gatherings with food. To me, I've been trained to think that you can't enjoy an outing with friends unless you partake in sharing the food with everybody. It would be breaking some kind of self-imposed social norm if I went to a BBQ and brought plain grilled chicken instead of eating the BBQ wings and hot dogs that were being served there. It's so interesting to analyze the situation and see how dependent I am on food being the glue that holds social relationships together. Today my family made a LOT of food because we had people over. Food that I would have eaten multiple servings of...pasta, meatballs, rice balls, calzones, potato croquets, potato casserole...and normally, as guests arrive, I would be making my way around the room, talking to people while simultaneously picking off of each platter. Today, faced with the challenge of NOT eating what was being served, I actually found myself to be awkwardly standing around. It was almost as if I didn't know what to do with myself or how to work the room without some kind of food acting as a social crutch. The people hadn't changed, the room hadn't changed, my family was still there, but I didn't have the food to make the social experience come together as a whole. As frustrating as it can be it really is quite fascinating to see how many subconscious social habits I've developed, and how they all contribute to the difficulty of my weight-loss experience.
Anyway, as truly difficult as it was to resist temptation today, I did it (with help from some supportive friends, of course). Here is what I ate today. And, since I will be joining the gym tomorrow and I worked out today, from now on I will be including workout details in the food diary section of my posts:

GYM (11:30am)

-Treadmill: 15 min, .5 incline, alternating running (5.5mph) & speedwalking (3.5mph)
-Floor exercises: Plank pose (3 10-second holds), balance ball sit-ups (3 sets of 10 reps) medicine ball swivels, (10 reps with 3lb ball, 10 reps with 4lb ball, 10 reps with 5lb ball), wall squats (3 sets of 10 reps)
-Circuit machines: 3 sets of 10 reps on various machines
-Elliptical: 10 min level 5, alternating going backwards and forwards.

FOOD:

Breakfast:

-1 kashi cranberry walnut bar
*I don't like these that much because they are REALLY sweet...too sweet.

Lunch:

-2oz whole wheat pasta with 1/2c fresh tomato sauce, 1 link chicken sausage and 1 tsp grated parmesan
*Bought the whole wheat pasta today and it's probably the best tasting wheat pasta i've tried. The chicken sausage was also bought today and is all natural, organic with no preservatives. I'm not totally crazy about the flavor I bought but they make other varieties. This meal was great because it was so similar to what my family was eating so I only felt mildly left out.

Dessert/Snack:

-1 sugar free chocolate pudding cup & 1 sugar free vanilla pudding cup (layered in a bowl) with a couple blueberries, blackberries and banana slices
-1 cup DECAF coffee with 1/4c fat free milk & 1tsp agave nectar
*My mom put out pies and brownies for everyone so in order to not crave what they were eating I made up the above concoction. It was really delicious and under 200 calories. The switch to DECAF coffee was a smart move.

Dinner:

- 1 veggie burger on a whole grain flax seed sandwich flat with 1/4c melted cheddar cheese, grilled peppers, mushrooms, slice of tomato, spinach leaves and 1 tbsp tomato basil hummus. 
*This was really good! The new sandwich flats, despite having stevia in them, are actually really good and taste much less sweet than the ones that contained splenda. I also made sure to include lots of vegetables so that the meal was well-rounded.

Snack:


- 2 dark chocolate caramel wedges 

*these things are a godsend. seriously.

-1 cup green tea with 1/2tsp agave nectar

*just making sure to get my daily quota!

Water:

-4 HUGE glasses

I did really well, and am trying to add a little more variety to my recipes. I went shopping again today and got blueberries as well as blackberries, got the whole wheat pasta, the chicken sausage, a veggie hummus and a red pepper spread (both are for sandwiches). Tomorrow I'll be joining the gym and going to spin & yoga class. I also will be going out to eat but it's for organic pizza and they offer whole wheat crust, and I already looked up the restaurant's nutrition facts, and each veggie slice averages about 180 cal. and they have fresh organic salads with the option of adding grilled chicken. so either way I'm not worried about what I'll be eating there! I'm really happy that I was able to make it through the difficulties and come out feeling better about myself. There will be good days, bad days, fantastic days and miserable days, and I truly have faith in myself that I can power through even the darkest of days and make it out stronger than before!